Just getting up for the let down.

I'm a total sell out.

I was supposed to be going to the temple..weekly.

I did..once.

I don't think that counts as weekly.

I missed some meetings.

I wrote a couple poems.

I decided to change.

..and I started to.

..but without a real commitment..

..you know..to the things that matter..

..it won't.

I can't believe myself. Ugh.

Just glad I've stuck by my commitment to never use this thing.

Say Anything (..but say what you mean..)

Today at work McLemore and Foreman (two of my co-workers) were having a discussion about relationships and I had to contest what they were saying about certain things. I was mildly berated for the opinion I hold and told several times that, "[I'm] still young." The fact of the matter is that there is more to life than sex and money..there is more to relationships than that..there is something more.

I understand fully that sex is an important part of a marital relationship, but outside of marriage a relationship can last without the sex. The times that I've heard Amber state that even without her religious background she would still value her body more than that have reaffirmed me more than she'll probably ever know. I understand that it is "natural" for a male and a female to have sexual attraction to one another.

It took a lot for me to come forward and start quoting scripture..but I had to stand up for what I believe..what I know to be right. "For the natural man is an enemy to God.."

I put myself on a pedestal today..revealing openly that I am a virgin. That I am "highly" religious as they have determined. That I hold myself to a higher standard. Not to say I think I'm better than them..because I don't..but that I expect more out of my life than what I see in theirs.

I don't mean to judge them..I know in God's eyes we're all the same..we've all fallen short in our own ways..and He loves us all still the same. The issue then becomes I guess that I, unlike them, have a testimony. The thing that really scared me the most..and terrified me..was just thinking that I have gone so long..holding the testimony that I do..and have still continued down these strange and twisted, perverse paths of unrighteousness.

It scares me now thinking that I have set myself apart from them..the fact that they know what I believe..this small portion of what I know to be true, they have heard from my lips, and will expect me to live up to that expectation which I have set before myself.

I set myself to a higher standard at work today by standing up for what I believe, and what I know. I am scared to death of what the underlying implications of that are, but what's done is done. Here's to hoping I can now live up fully to the commendations I received from everyone today for standing up for what I believe, despite it alienating me fully from the rest of the group.

See Also: "Alien Youth" by Skillet, "Worldwide Jesus domination..We're taking over the world, we're the alien youth."

♥always, LB
=P

Oh, and I forgot..I'm never going to use this stupid, blasted, wretched thing.

Drained (Numb)

It's like..being depressed without the depression.

..drowning on dry land.

..when you want to laugh..or cry..but you're not really sure which.

..you feel like you can't take any more..but feel you can't live without it.

..being so impossibly tired that you know you could never fall asleep.

..the worst best day of your life.

..the best worst day of your life.

..never gonna use this bloody thing.

So basically..

A lot of what I don't write here, I don't write here for reasons other than the fact that I'm never going to use this thing. I'm not a terribly private person, but for some reason I actually find myself writing here with a lot of restraint. I feel to an extent that this restraint is the primary reason why I won't use this.

When I write, I want it to have some purpose..expression. I want to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and ideas..and when I can't do that here..well what's the point in coming here? Isn't that what blogs are supposed to be for?

I suffer from an addiction..and it's ruining my life. Those who know me probably already know what it is, so if you don't know there's probably a fair enough reason for that. I see it coming a mile away and yet I still let this happen..I let this thing perpetuate itself..

I'm just terrified that..no matter what I do..it won't really ever amount to anything. I feel like I'm a generally good enough person..and it's the easiest thing in the world for me to believe that I could fight this addiction my whole life..or just accept it and deal with the consequences of that for my whole life..and in the end the outcome would be the same.

I know better than to actually accept that, but it doesn't make it any less easy to believe it. To feel so useless, so worthless, so powerless..

..it's not a nice feeling.

And, so basically..everything's not okay. Not today. Not now. And maybe I'll turn things back around..or maybe I won't..but..I just wish somebody would tell me that I'll be okay.

I wish somebody would tell me that even if I can't ever overcome this addiction..that I can still be okay. Maybe that would give me the courage, if I could ever believe them, to really accept..to be able to believe..that fighting for something more..isn't completely absurd..and might even prove to be worthwhile.

For now, I have to get some sleep..and besides, it's not like I'm ever going to use this thing.

Konstantine (Mk. 1)

And then you'd bring home..I'm afraid to realize that I'm alone..that time we fell asleep in your living room..

Sometimes I get so scared that no matter what happens I'll never find what I'm looking for. That nobody will ever be able to truly love me in return the way that I love them. And maybe that scares me a bit. Maybe it scares me a lot..

I just don't know how I can make myself believe in something that seems so impossible.

Tell me I'll be okay.

Tell me I'll be alright.

Tell me I'll get over myself..and that it will come when the time is right.

It's funny the way we can feel so totally undeserving yet still be terrified that we'll never find it.

I don't know what I'm doing here..I'm never going to use this stupid thing.

Your Photographs Just Prove (You Know..I know)

It's not what I want it to be, and I know it never will. You can't change how you feel, and there's a part of me that would never want you to. What I want is for you to be happy, even if that means that what I want can never be. Those words are easy to say, but I hope I can continue to find ways to show you that I mean it with all my heart. You're worth it to me.

Somehow though I find my mind still runs wild and rampant in its imagination. The part of me that holds onto a hope that you'll someday change your mind about me lets me believe things that are really just a bit of nonsense. You didn't pull away or say a word when I gave you the hug, and  you fully returned it. You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to thank me either. I don't know what you meant when you said you don't think me being sick had anything to do with me dreaming about you. Probably you just meant because of all the times I've dreamt about you before that it was nothing particularly special. Yet something in the way you said it has been driving me mad.

Part of me wants to believe that you're seeing me in a way you never did before. Part of me wants to believe..

It's not what I want it to be, and I know it never will.

I made it the whole month of January without using this bloody thing. Even still, despite this writing, I'm never going to use this thing.