It's not what I want it to be, and I know it never will. You can't change how you feel, and there's a part of me that would never want you to. What I want is for you to be happy, even if that means that what I want can never be. Those words are easy to say, but I hope I can continue to find ways to show you that I mean it with all my heart. You're worth it to me.
Somehow though I find my mind still runs wild and rampant in its imagination. The part of me that holds onto a hope that you'll someday change your mind about me lets me believe things that are really just a bit of nonsense. You didn't pull away or say a word when I gave you the hug, and you fully returned it. You didn't have to do that. You didn't have to thank me either. I don't know what you meant when you said you don't think me being sick had anything to do with me dreaming about you. Probably you just meant because of all the times I've dreamt about you before that it was nothing particularly special. Yet something in the way you said it has been driving me mad.
Part of me wants to believe that you're seeing me in a way you never did before. Part of me wants to believe..
It's not what I want it to be, and I know it never will.
I made it the whole month of January without using this bloody thing. Even still, despite this writing, I'm never going to use this thing.
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