So basically..

A lot of what I don't write here, I don't write here for reasons other than the fact that I'm never going to use this thing. I'm not a terribly private person, but for some reason I actually find myself writing here with a lot of restraint. I feel to an extent that this restraint is the primary reason why I won't use this.

When I write, I want it to have some purpose..expression. I want to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and ideas..and when I can't do that here..well what's the point in coming here? Isn't that what blogs are supposed to be for?

I suffer from an addiction..and it's ruining my life. Those who know me probably already know what it is, so if you don't know there's probably a fair enough reason for that. I see it coming a mile away and yet I still let this happen..I let this thing perpetuate itself..

I'm just terrified that..no matter what I do..it won't really ever amount to anything. I feel like I'm a generally good enough person..and it's the easiest thing in the world for me to believe that I could fight this addiction my whole life..or just accept it and deal with the consequences of that for my whole life..and in the end the outcome would be the same.

I know better than to actually accept that, but it doesn't make it any less easy to believe it. To feel so useless, so worthless, so powerless..

..it's not a nice feeling.

And, so basically..everything's not okay. Not today. Not now. And maybe I'll turn things back around..or maybe I won't..but..I just wish somebody would tell me that I'll be okay.

I wish somebody would tell me that even if I can't ever overcome this addiction..that I can still be okay. Maybe that would give me the courage, if I could ever believe them, to really accept..to be able to believe..that fighting for something more..isn't completely absurd..and might even prove to be worthwhile.

For now, I have to get some sleep..and besides, it's not like I'm ever going to use this thing.