Dreemz und Reelallity.

I had two significant dreams about Zelda lately. In the first she didn't want to talk to me at all. In the second she wanted to smell me coz she was apparently obsessively in love with me. Or something.

I saw her today. I was elated that it was somewhere between the two. I wish we would have had more time to talk. She looks really good.

Zelda's that girl that will never really truly and fully understand exactly what she means to me. She's the girl that at times I let my hopes and imagination run so rampant that I actually let myself believe for a flittering moment in time that she actually feels remotely the same for me.

It's okay if it's not. But she will forever and always be the first person who ever TRULY meant more to me than myself. The only person I can honestly say I would REALLY give EVERYTHING for.

I'm not saying I'll never love anyone else the same (or even more) than I love her. That's absurd. Nonsense. Again though, she'll always be the first.

She deserves more than the man I am today though. It's not the only reason I'm changing. Not any more. It's good to know that. It's good to know that I have more reasons than just her to change for. To know that I can change for myself.

The one I lovingly refer to as the "Adversary" has been trying to keep me from where I need to be. I unfortunately do admit I've let myself become somewhat slothful and negligent of some of my duties during this time. But I'm standing firm. Not alone though. I'd never make it by myself.

My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and Earth.

Today marks at least 21 days. At least 3 weeks. And I know that it's driving the Adversary mad. He wants me to fail. Misery does love it's company.

I have other plans in store though. I plan to keep myself where I need to be. Knowing that I'm doing it for me will make that easier.

I thought for a while that perhaps I should be going off to the land of Far, Far, Far, Far, Far, Far Away because then I could properly focus on what I needed to be focused on instead of on Zelda. Just coz she's here doesn't mean she's my only focus though. And like I said, this is where God wants me.

Tonight I had the most absurd conversation I think I've ever held with Ryan in my life. I never thought we would discuss GAY MARRIAGE but somehow the topic came up. My stand is that I can appreciate the idea that as "life-partners" they want the same legal privileges of a heterosexual married couple. However marriage in itself is a religious ordinance in which homosexuals have no claim.

Homosexuals are a direct and blatant deviance from God's will. Even taking just the Bible at a glance we can see that homosexuality was dealt with fiercely in days long past. In these latter days however God has granted unto mankind to do as they would. I've heard it said that those of us who survive these times (enduring to the end that is) will be HONORED by the ancient prophets. I've heard it said that we were chosen before time began to live in this time, as we were those who would be able to (hopefully) withstand the trials and tribulation that all of mankind is faced with today.

In any case, as I said I never dreamed I would have a conversation with Ryan over this topic. I think he may have had one too many tonight (perhaps).

Either way it doesn't really matter. Interesting conversation though ultimately fruitless. I don't know why I keep posting here it's not like I'm ever going to use this blasted thing. Coz I won't.

Ironumility.

How ironic, eh?

That's right. I said "eh?" coz apparently I'm Canadian. I'm really not, but I frankly don't care.

I also frankly don't care that most of the world is too stupid to realize that Canadians come from Canadia and not Canada. Canadans come from Canada. Duh.

I've been searching for a long time. How ironic is it to ask a question, so sure, so certain of yourself that you don't know the answer; only to realize you've known it all along?

I got my answer. On Monday, 7 September 2009 I got my answer. And my life will never be the same again.

Change isn't easy. It's one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to go through in your life. Though sometimes it's exactly what you need.

How lucky would it have to be that despite my own stupidity, nature was already at work preventing my mistakes from causing everything to take a massive turn for the worse? How lucky, or perhaps how humbling.

Grumpy Bear told me that, "God already HAS a plan."

He's brilliant. I love him. In a completely friendly, heterosexual, non-gay sort of sense.

How amazing is it to see that God does already have a plan. In my last post I was talking about how "I [could]n't see it". I guess that's sort of what faith is really all about though, right? Faith is believing in things which are hoped for but not seen. I couldn't see what God was planning, but I had faith that he was watching over me.

It was an awesome experience to realize that he was already planning around my foolish fallibility.

Another thing it got me thinking about is this so called, "Intelligent Design". Being emotional and such with all these realizationisms and recognizifications I was getting kind of teary eyed and my natural instinct to try and stop myself from actually crying was of course to look up. How ironic is it that we just completely overlook something so simple? It's built into our internal programming. When we're about to cry, look up toward the heavens. Look to God.

How's that for an INTELLIGENT design, eh? Pretty smart if you ask me. Subliminal messaging, that's what I call that.

It's a pretty humbling experience though realizing you have more to THANK God for thank to ASK for. I've been asking God quite a bit lately for only 3 things: a place to stay, a place to work (to support myself), and a way to get there. But I can't even count the numerous items I've found to thank him for. Everything from just my friends, to a place to sleep from night to night.

Dewey told me that maybe this was the time that I was READY for certain things. Like the answer I've been looking for. Maybe this is exactly what it took to really prepare me for that answer.

I can't help but feeling like maybe...he was probably right.

If you think I'm sounding overly light and cheery that just means you don't know me at all. I'm happy. Oddly. It's funny the way it's always strange when I find myself smiling.

When I said I was officially crazy I meant it. But what I actually meant wasn't what I meant at all. What I meant is that, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little UNWELL."

They did that to me.

Hilarity. Ensued.

Anyway, I don't know what keeps drawing me back here. It's not like I'm ever going to use this thing.

That's what STORMY said.

That's life.

I frankly don't care.

Stop saying that. Please.

Well it's not true. I do care. A lot. About a lot of people. I'm confused. About a lot of things right now. For example, apparently I'm not good at constructing fully formed sentences. Although I have just contradicted myself.

I've been crying out, praying to God, begging Him to come through. And yeah mad props to Matty boy. You know what I mean.

I had a chat with somebody we haven't introduced yet last night. We'll call him Rico. I don't know how he would feel about that, but frankly I don't care.

So I pretty much was doing crazy things like bearing my testimony and talking about God with Rico which I frankly thought would never, ever happen. I don't know that he was so much interested in what I was saying, but he didn't reject the conversation. He is a really awesome friend despite his flaws. A lot of people give up on him way too soon and he's none the better for it. A crushed self esteem can be...devastating. It's hard to come back from some of the things he's been through. I know, coz I've been there.

I am officially a fully licensed crazy person so you probably would be best to not believe anything I'm saying coz that's just madness. Madness? This is-

Let me stop you there.

Okay?

No, that was it. I just didn't want you saying it.

What, "SPARTAAAAAA-AA-AA!"?

I have only one thing to say to that.

Yes?

-.-"

Is that it?

. . .

Well then. I should probably reintroduce some of the less relevant characters.

Why?

So there'll be some logical reasoning and flow behind this mad...er...insanity.

Why were you afraid to-- nevermind, don't answer that.

But you may be onto something. Though introducing new characters into this blog and bringing in the formatting of the story into the middle of this whole sort of general mish-mash would just be absurd.

I really, really, really despise Miley Cyrus (Hyena Wyoming...or whatever she's called). But some of her music gets to me. The words which I'm certain she doesn't understand and thereby has no right to be singing are the important bit.

I really, really, really need to get my life right with God. If I ever even want to DREAM of having a girl like Zelda or Luigi I need to sort things out. That's part of the reason I think I was so miserable there. It wasn't just being so far away from them. It was the fact that I know being there...I was giving up. Not just on myself. On everything. On them. On God. Nothing seemed to matter. And I'm sure that Satan was pretty satisfied with himself. He had me seriously contemplating taking my life every single day.

The funny part about it all though is that "my life" isn't about me. Or at least it shouldn't be. For too long I've let it be. And I'm not saying it should be all about Zelda or Luigi. It needs to be about God. Not like some celibate monk or paedopriest (not that I'm saying anything about Catholicism or anything like that; I'm sure they're not ALL that way...). No I'm talking about actually focusing firstly and foremost on what God wants out of my life.

The absolute HAPPIEST I have ever been in my entire life is when I was the closest to God. I was where God wanted me to be. And he blessed me for it. And life wasn't always sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and leprechauns (the good kind) and unicorns and--

You get my point. Life still sucked sometimes. But when life sucks and you're still happy to be alive it's a lot nicer, a lot better than when life sucks and you're miserable and dread waking up every day.

I'm going back to a job I hate. I don't know where I plan on living. I have no money. Life sucks right now. And I'm terrified. But I'm putting my faith in God because I know this is where He wants me to be right now. I don't know how this is all supposed to work. This is crazy. But I know God has a plan. Just like Grumpy Bear told me. God's already got it all figured out. Just coz I can't see it yet doesn't mean He's not watching over me. It's just hard. Coz I don't see how it's all supposed to fit together. I don't see how it's supposed to all be okay. But I know it will be.

I don't know why I keep coming back to this page. I'm never going to use this thing.

!~NAWT~!

This is not the reason I created this blog. What with the posting and the lack of not posting and the content and the lack of lack of content. Ugh. I'm never going to use this thing!

STFU

Dude, seriously. You talk way too much. And where do you come off saying you're never going to use this blog? You just posted in it didn't you?

I frankly don't care.

You keep saying that but I think you're just covering up the fact that you do care. You care quite a bit what people say and think of you. And now here you are talking to yourself!

I frankly don't care.

Dude, this is lame.

I frankly don't care.

Enough seriousness though. On a lighter note I have way too many issues. I'm the type of person that I easily lend myself to infatuation with people. Female people. I already told you I'm not gay. Ugh, still not paying attention are you?

I really like Luigi. A lot. It's incredibly awkward for me. She doesn't feel the same way but in its own way that's actually a good thing. A very good thing. It is supposed to mean that I can stop thinking about her and focus on more sensible things. But somehow I can't. I'm slightly kinda a lot a little bit excessively overly obsessive like that.

Just ask Zelda. I love her to death. More than any other person in this world. More than myself. She's amazing. I'd give anything for her. What I'm saying is I'd take a bullet for her. Literally. If she needed it I would cut my beating heart from my chest and give it to her. Now me doing that might be a bit problematic with the dying and all, but frankly I don't care.

Somehow I can't seem to stop thinking of Luigi though. Neither Luigi nor Zelda like me the way that I like them. I have a pretty strong impression that there's other things I should be focusing on in my life right now anyway.

I just...I hate the things the world does. We've all been brainwashed into...into being this godless, carnal society. I hate it. I hate when people treat me like I'm doing something wrong for holding myself back. For having limits and having standards. For having morals.

The world pushes it on us to just live however we want and screw the consequences. But what if the consequences aren't worth the actions? Most sane, sensible people wouldn't kill someone in cold blood because they understand the consequences. But they completely overlook and ignore the consequences of their day-to-day lives.

I hate when people can be so blind. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Not by a long shot. But when people just idly stand by and let things happen...things that don't need to be happening. Things that have no right to be happening. And people just let this go on. With no sense of caring or remorse...or even the slightest indication that they recognize what is taking place!

Ugh...I need to get off this stupid computer. I'm never going to post here.

I'm never going to use this.

It's the reason I never created one. I won't update it regularly. I get easily distracted and frankly don't care.

Seeing as this is online I'm going to use pseudonyms for everyone that I reference. Which is abnormal for me to do but again, I frankly don't care.

So let's set up some character development. We've got me, monkey. My friends will most likely be able to determine who everybody is and if they dont, well I frankly don't care.

I'm saying that I frankly don't care way too much, but I frankly don't care.

Life terrifies me right now and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. One thing I'm not going to do is give up. I was going to. For a little while I did. But I failed at failing. I suppose that means I win, but doesn't quite feel like it yet. About that, I frankly do care. A lot.

I have some amazing friends who've been helping me through. Friends like Don and Luigi. That's right, I know someone named Luigi. And if you believe that it means you've not been paying attention coz I already said I was changing names. Whether or not you've been paying attention though, and whether or not I spelled "because" correctly, I frankly don't care.

Luigi is a female friend of mine. That's right. Female. And I gave her a man's name. Friggin snowballs. But at this point I just frankly don't care.

Another friend of mine I'll refer to as Zelda. She's a female too.

Don is a male. Idiot. Why would I call a female friend Don?

Zelda could easily be a reference to multiple people. Anyone who knows the games well enough would recognize that there's several different canonical universes going on throughout The Legend of Zelda™ series. So it's easily logical that the princess represent multiple characters throughout my life.

I might talk about someone called Barry. Barry is a female. I think. I don't know for sure, and I frankly don't care.

All this anonymitity just goes to make this an illogical, incomprehensible mess. And I love it. I mean, I frankly don't care.

I haven't really said anything at all despite everything I've said. And frankly I don't care. I'm never going to use this anyway.