What matters is what hasn't been...

I told her that she inspires me to be a better version of myself.

Then I told her that I want to marry a girl like her one day.

I told her that I need her in my life.

I meant all of this, every word, and more.

I haven't told her that I love her. I don't want it to feel forced, and I don't want it to be unrequited.

My plan is to move close enough that I can visit her regularly. After a few months of getting to know her in person, then I'll ask her out.

Then, one day, I'll marry her.

I'll do all this, but I'll never use this stupid blog.

SHOOT ME DOWN.

So I'm sort of bipolar..at times. Usually with good reason I think.

Boredom is a vile, brutish fiend.

I am apparently never going to publish this post, which makes sense as I'm never going to use this stupid thing.

What happens when you eat all the potatoes?

I've mentioned several times how fixated I get on girls. How silly and stupid it all is. So maybe this is nothing, maybe it's not what I'm making it out to be. That's why I'm keeping myself in check though. Ultimately, only time will tell what will come of all of it.

See, there's this girl. As of right now I only know her online. Things are different with her...different than with anyone else. I've had close friends. I've known what it means to love someone, perhaps even more than I care about myself. I've come to terms with pain and loss. I've seen what it means to truly desire someone else's happiness over my own. I've been through many things, felt a broad spectrum of emotion.

It's different with her...different than with anyone else.

If all she ever wanted from me was my friendship, I would be grateful for the opportunity, the privilege to hold and maintain that role. It's an easy thing to say, though I could be no more earnest. The value of her friendship and her happiness outweigh my own selfish desires.

For now I soldier on, deeper into the friend zone. I do this willingly, and without bitterness or regret. It occurs to me that the kind of relationship I want with her is one founded on a meaningful friendship. If we decide that it should turn into something more, the transition should occur as a natural growth rather than the uncalculated result of passionate desire. This is one of the reasons why I am placing so much emphasis on the fact that she and I are only friends. Until we can meet in person, I cannot allow myself to think of this as anything more.

When we do meet in person though, that is a day I look forward to. Already we have made plans to go to the zoo and name all the giraffes. I have vowed to buy her chocolate equal to her weight. We also have decided that she will destroy me at Super Smash Bros. and we will play Just Dance. It may seem a trifle silly to anyone else, but I would like to think that this will be our first date.

Because she loves the song "Russian Unicorn", the "bad lip-reading" of some Michael Bublé song, I have secretly decided that if our relationship does grow into a romantic one after we meet, that one day I will hire a flash mob to re-enact the music video (the "Russian Unicorn" version, not the original song). At the end of the song, among the "barbie zucchini" and on "Monsoon Day", I will propose marriage. She will of course say yes, and then we will be sealed in the temple. That is my intention for her. If she'll have me.

If all she ever wants from me is my friendship, I would be grateful for the opportunity and the privilege.

So, what happens when you eat all the potatoes?

They're all gone.

Just like the number of times I'm ever going to write anything on this stupid blog.

Silly vegans, vegetables are alive too.

I wanted to vent about some things, so I thought I'd take out some frustration on the vegans. For the most part they probably don't deserve it. I had this whole spiel about how taking the life of a vegetable is no different than taking the life away from an animal...how practically every living creature relies on some other form of life for their own survival and sustenance.

That's not what I really want to talk about though. Coming back here, reading through some of the things I've written over the years...realizing that it's been YEARS...

I'm tired of doing this to myself, but I still don't understand it. Maybe that's why I can't move on. It seems simple enough, at face value... In the end, it's not simple at all.

I feel stuck, as if I'm trapped. I seek qualification and love - the desperate desire to feel wanted - in the stupidest of all places. I get fixated on girls..girls outside of my age group, girls out of my league, girls that have no interest in me, and girls that actually care about me as a friend...but just as a friend. Girls.

I want something... There must be more than this provincial life!!

Yes. I'm quoting Belle now.

I feel a need to understand things. When I don't...I drive myself mad thinking about it. I don't deal with my emotions well. I'm far too negative about things. I... I'm not giving up. Still. I will stumble. I will fall. I will tarry in the dark for a time. I will not give up. I will not quit. I will not surrender.

I will look forward with hope, praise, and thanks for the one good day out of a thousand that I have. One good day out of a thousand. This is what I have. This is where I am. This is what I have become. For now, what I am is good enough. Where I am is good enough. I can't waste my entire life regretting what could have been. I have to move forward. I need to move forward. I can't do that until I understand where I am.

I will keep pushing. I will keep fighting. I will look forward to my ONE DAY OUT OF A THOUSAND. I look forward to that one victory out of a thousand. My one success out of a thousand.

I am not alone.

I am loved.

I am known.

I am never going to use this thing.

Just Today.

Today. Today was a good day. Yesterday, maybe not so much as today. Still, today was a good day.

Today wasn't a mark of my accomplishments. Today wasn't anything that I achieved. Today was no fault, and no credit, of my own.

Today was a gift from God.

See, that's something I've been missing, my whole life up till now. Not just those words, they're too easy. What they mean, that's where it kicks in.

Today was a gift - I did not earn it, I did not cause it, I didn't even deserve it! God gave me today, because He wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to be happy. Wow.

So what about yesterday? If today was a gift, what was yesterday?

Yesterday, I took God for granted. I pushed Him aside in favor of what I wanted. I listened to my own selfish pride over His loving Spirit. I was wrong for doing that, and I will have to repent for what I have done. So how then is it that today God has given me so much, when only yesterday I had my back turned as I pushed Him slowly away?

God is perfectly just, but so often I have found that He will give us blessing in the time we most need it. Sometimes, that blessing may even be a negative result of something we had done previously. Consequence is an essential piece to becoming something more.

This is nothing more than scraping the surface of what I truly wanted to say, but for now, it's good enough.

How was I supposed to say what I wanted to say anyway if I'm never going to use this thing?