Silly vegans, vegetables are alive too.

I wanted to vent about some things, so I thought I'd take out some frustration on the vegans. For the most part they probably don't deserve it. I had this whole spiel about how taking the life of a vegetable is no different than taking the life away from an animal...how practically every living creature relies on some other form of life for their own survival and sustenance.

That's not what I really want to talk about though. Coming back here, reading through some of the things I've written over the years...realizing that it's been YEARS...

I'm tired of doing this to myself, but I still don't understand it. Maybe that's why I can't move on. It seems simple enough, at face value... In the end, it's not simple at all.

I feel stuck, as if I'm trapped. I seek qualification and love - the desperate desire to feel wanted - in the stupidest of all places. I get fixated on girls..girls outside of my age group, girls out of my league, girls that have no interest in me, and girls that actually care about me as a friend...but just as a friend. Girls.

I want something... There must be more than this provincial life!!

Yes. I'm quoting Belle now.

I feel a need to understand things. When I don't...I drive myself mad thinking about it. I don't deal with my emotions well. I'm far too negative about things. I... I'm not giving up. Still. I will stumble. I will fall. I will tarry in the dark for a time. I will not give up. I will not quit. I will not surrender.

I will look forward with hope, praise, and thanks for the one good day out of a thousand that I have. One good day out of a thousand. This is what I have. This is where I am. This is what I have become. For now, what I am is good enough. Where I am is good enough. I can't waste my entire life regretting what could have been. I have to move forward. I need to move forward. I can't do that until I understand where I am.

I will keep pushing. I will keep fighting. I will look forward to my ONE DAY OUT OF A THOUSAND. I look forward to that one victory out of a thousand. My one success out of a thousand.

I am not alone.

I am loved.

I am known.

I am never going to use this thing.