What matters is what hasn't been...

I told her that she inspires me to be a better version of myself.

Then I told her that I want to marry a girl like her one day.

I told her that I need her in my life.

I meant all of this, every word, and more.

I haven't told her that I love her. I don't want it to feel forced, and I don't want it to be unrequited.

My plan is to move close enough that I can visit her regularly. After a few months of getting to know her in person, then I'll ask her out.

Then, one day, I'll marry her.

I'll do all this, but I'll never use this stupid blog.

SHOOT ME DOWN.

So I'm sort of bipolar..at times. Usually with good reason I think.

Boredom is a vile, brutish fiend.

I am apparently never going to publish this post, which makes sense as I'm never going to use this stupid thing.

What happens when you eat all the potatoes?

I've mentioned several times how fixated I get on girls. How silly and stupid it all is. So maybe this is nothing, maybe it's not what I'm making it out to be. That's why I'm keeping myself in check though. Ultimately, only time will tell what will come of all of it.

See, there's this girl. As of right now I only know her online. Things are different with her...different than with anyone else. I've had close friends. I've known what it means to love someone, perhaps even more than I care about myself. I've come to terms with pain and loss. I've seen what it means to truly desire someone else's happiness over my own. I've been through many things, felt a broad spectrum of emotion.

It's different with her...different than with anyone else.

If all she ever wanted from me was my friendship, I would be grateful for the opportunity, the privilege to hold and maintain that role. It's an easy thing to say, though I could be no more earnest. The value of her friendship and her happiness outweigh my own selfish desires.

For now I soldier on, deeper into the friend zone. I do this willingly, and without bitterness or regret. It occurs to me that the kind of relationship I want with her is one founded on a meaningful friendship. If we decide that it should turn into something more, the transition should occur as a natural growth rather than the uncalculated result of passionate desire. This is one of the reasons why I am placing so much emphasis on the fact that she and I are only friends. Until we can meet in person, I cannot allow myself to think of this as anything more.

When we do meet in person though, that is a day I look forward to. Already we have made plans to go to the zoo and name all the giraffes. I have vowed to buy her chocolate equal to her weight. We also have decided that she will destroy me at Super Smash Bros. and we will play Just Dance. It may seem a trifle silly to anyone else, but I would like to think that this will be our first date.

Because she loves the song "Russian Unicorn", the "bad lip-reading" of some Michael Bublé song, I have secretly decided that if our relationship does grow into a romantic one after we meet, that one day I will hire a flash mob to re-enact the music video (the "Russian Unicorn" version, not the original song). At the end of the song, among the "barbie zucchini" and on "Monsoon Day", I will propose marriage. She will of course say yes, and then we will be sealed in the temple. That is my intention for her. If she'll have me.

If all she ever wants from me is my friendship, I would be grateful for the opportunity and the privilege.

So, what happens when you eat all the potatoes?

They're all gone.

Just like the number of times I'm ever going to write anything on this stupid blog.