It's like..being depressed without the depression.
..drowning on dry land.
..when you want to laugh..or cry..but you're not really sure which.
..you feel like you can't take any more..but feel you can't live without it.
..being so impossibly tired that you know you could never fall asleep.
..the worst best day of your life.
..the best worst day of your life.
..never gonna use this bloody thing.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
So basically..
A lot of what I don't write here, I don't write here for reasons other than the fact that I'm never going to use this thing. I'm not a terribly private person, but for some reason I actually find myself writing here with a lot of restraint. I feel to an extent that this restraint is the primary reason why I won't use this.
When I write, I want it to have some purpose..expression. I want to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and ideas..and when I can't do that here..well what's the point in coming here? Isn't that what blogs are supposed to be for?
I suffer from an addiction..and it's ruining my life. Those who know me probably already know what it is, so if you don't know there's probably a fair enough reason for that. I see it coming a mile away and yet I still let this happen..I let this thing perpetuate itself..
I'm just terrified that..no matter what I do..it won't really ever amount to anything. I feel like I'm a generally good enough person..and it's the easiest thing in the world for me to believe that I could fight this addiction my whole life..or just accept it and deal with the consequences of that for my whole life..and in the end the outcome would be the same.
I know better than to actually accept that, but it doesn't make it any less easy to believe it. To feel so useless, so worthless, so powerless..
..it's not a nice feeling.
And, so basically..everything's not okay. Not today. Not now. And maybe I'll turn things back around..or maybe I won't..but..I just wish somebody would tell me that I'll be okay.
I wish somebody would tell me that even if I can't ever overcome this addiction..that I can still be okay. Maybe that would give me the courage, if I could ever believe them, to really accept..to be able to believe..that fighting for something more..isn't completely absurd..and might even prove to be worthwhile.
For now, I have to get some sleep..and besides, it's not like I'm ever going to use this thing.
When I write, I want it to have some purpose..expression. I want to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and ideas..and when I can't do that here..well what's the point in coming here? Isn't that what blogs are supposed to be for?
I suffer from an addiction..and it's ruining my life. Those who know me probably already know what it is, so if you don't know there's probably a fair enough reason for that. I see it coming a mile away and yet I still let this happen..I let this thing perpetuate itself..
I'm just terrified that..no matter what I do..it won't really ever amount to anything. I feel like I'm a generally good enough person..and it's the easiest thing in the world for me to believe that I could fight this addiction my whole life..or just accept it and deal with the consequences of that for my whole life..and in the end the outcome would be the same.
I know better than to actually accept that, but it doesn't make it any less easy to believe it. To feel so useless, so worthless, so powerless..
..it's not a nice feeling.
And, so basically..everything's not okay. Not today. Not now. And maybe I'll turn things back around..or maybe I won't..but..I just wish somebody would tell me that I'll be okay.
I wish somebody would tell me that even if I can't ever overcome this addiction..that I can still be okay. Maybe that would give me the courage, if I could ever believe them, to really accept..to be able to believe..that fighting for something more..isn't completely absurd..and might even prove to be worthwhile.
For now, I have to get some sleep..and besides, it's not like I'm ever going to use this thing.
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