I don't want the world to see me...

The past.

It's not enough to simply say that it cannot be changed. The immutable nature of time is one of its greatest virtues.

Spaz

Sometimes, I think that I'm so funny. I look back on the words I've written, with years of distance between myself and the person who wrote them, and I laugh. Everything is big with me. Everything is so serious. Sometimes, it's important to just stop, and appreciate the way that things are. I forgot that with Hannah, and the truth is I don't know how much damage that I actually did. I hope that in time we can come back to that, but for now I realize how important it is to just be.

I have these grand plans for her. I honestly have no idea what the future has in store, but I can't picture a future without her in it. No matter what lies ahead I will do everything I can to ensure that I never lose her again. That's a bold statement, but I stand behind it.

I make these confessions here in this public arena, though I reassure myself that she'll never stumble upon this. I find it helpful to get these thoughts out of my head.

I'm not at all certain, though I tremendously suspect that I didn't have any purpose or goal in writing here. I just wanted to say something. Three years is a long time...

The post I wrote in April that year... silly little duckling. She doesn't even know that she's my muse.


Which is great, because I'm never going to use this thing anyway.

Day Zero

It's the scariest thing in the world to an addict, facing reality. Realizing, "I don't even know when the last time was that I was even sober." For those unversed in addiction jargon, it's common of any addiction to refer to abstinence as sobriety. How an addict's sobriety is measured can vary greatly. Some addicts fear that stating their sobriety, or sharing it with others will be seen as an act of pride. Others find refuge in confiding the truth. No matter how it's measured, every addict will have to come to terms with Day Zero, and more likely than not, more than once.

Day Zero, to an addict, is a crucial turning point. It requires a great effort of honesty, humility, and courage for this victim to take stand and say for themselves, "This needs to change." Even just having the desire to overcome can be a superhuman, Herculean effort. The addicted mind has become comfortable with the habits of its host, and enjoys the regular influx of chemicals that flood the void left behind.

The psychological impact of addiction is one of the least acknowledged or understood by those who do not dutifully seek to learn about it. Day Zero is terrifying to the addict, because they must succumb to the unknown. There is security in knowing that even through all the pain the addiction has caused them, it has always been available to turn to.

No journey begins without a first step. Those with less than twenty four hours of sobriety need hope. "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow...you're only...a day away." Only a day. Less than that, is where we all start. From nothing, with this first step, here, on Day Zero, this is where the journey begins. Tomorrow is only a day away after all.

I'm never going to use this blog anyway.

Break It Out

Stuff happens.

And it sucks.

It's enough to make you want to give up.

You do that, and they win...but you don't care.

It doesn't matter. At least not then. Because "what's true in your mind is true."

Get up though.

Don't forget that hope is still there.

Even when you don't want to, get on your feet...and make this count for something.

Because I'm sure as hell never gonna use this thing!!! \o/

One-Eighty by Summer

I'm never going to use this stupid thing. Not that I ever did. Did I? No, I don't believe I did.

The title has nothing to do with anything that's here. It seemed fitting that way.

So, this is my secret place that I come to spill my guts all out in public. What the hell. No one's ever going to read it. I don't say anything that means anything. I completely abstract the point and purpose and what's left behind is nothing. I guess that's my way of justifying my claims that I'll never use this blog.

I've never felt more okay. I've been happy, sad, depressed, and every which way in-between...except this. I have never in my life felt more okay in my own skin. Like, I could improve on where I'm at, but I can still be happy with today. Life is weird. It confuses me. It scares me. It fascinates me. It baffles and astounds me.

I'm happy, just being alive. Just for the chance and opportunity to experience life, and all it has to offer. The good and the bad, they shape who I am. So whatever the future holds, I'll hold my head up and I'll keep pressing forward.

Writing feels good. It's been so long. Silly little duckling, you don't even know that you're a goose. A moose. A muse.

Not that it matters, because I'm never going to use this thing. :)

What matters is what hasn't been...

I told her that she inspires me to be a better version of myself.

Then I told her that I want to marry a girl like her one day.

I told her that I need her in my life.

I meant all of this, every word, and more.

I haven't told her that I love her. I don't want it to feel forced, and I don't want it to be unrequited.

My plan is to move close enough that I can visit her regularly. After a few months of getting to know her in person, then I'll ask her out.

Then, one day, I'll marry her.

I'll do all this, but I'll never use this stupid blog.

SHOOT ME DOWN.

So I'm sort of bipolar..at times. Usually with good reason I think.

Boredom is a vile, brutish fiend.

I am apparently never going to publish this post, which makes sense as I'm never going to use this stupid thing.